Author: Alma Gill

Dear Alma,

I have been with this person for six years, and we’ve had our up and downs, like any relationship. We are living apart but he still wants us to keep our friendship. I don’t, because he needs to get himself together financially and mentally. Basically, I feel if someone truly loves you they will do whatever it takes to be with the person. He’s just not moving fast enough for me. I do love him and want to be with him, but I can’t wait any longer. Now my problem is trying to move on and forget him. What’s the best way to handle this?

Six is the magic number. So you’ve been with him for six years. You guys don’t live together; you aren’t engaged, and he needs to get it together. He wants to continue a “friendship,” but you want more, and since he hasn’t obliged, you’re ready to move on.

First, I applaud you for making the decision to break it off, redefine, redirect and find your joy. Some people stay in an unfulfilled relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, and that’s never a healthy decision.

Truth be told, let’s give him credit: a friendship is all that he wants, and a friendship is all that he has to offer – to you. You, on the other hand, have decided that’s not enough, and that’s okay. You know you better than anyone else. By making the decision to break it off and move on in your mind, all you need now is for your heart to catch on. That ol’ heart always takes a little more time with this sorta thing, doesn’t it?

While working through the heartache, keep in mind – after a break-up, we think…and ponder…and reminisce…about how we wish it could have been. I call that the coulda, shoulda, woulda stage. Since you will be thinking about it, for a little while anyway, put yourself on the path of thinking about the real deal of what’s been happening for the past six years. Write it down. That way, you can recall and reread what really happened and how it made you feel.

Now, the next step toward moving on – take the time to refuel. I’d suggest focusing on what brings you strength. If there’s a particular minister or motivational speaker you like, listen to them, every day. If you like to walk, run, dance, workout, swim, do that for yourself – every day – or as much as you can. Download your best pick-me-up songs on your iPod, and listen to them. Hum along and take it all in.

Let’s imagine you’re preparing to take a long road trip. Close your eyes, see yourself at a gas station; you’re filling up your tank – a red sports car, I hope, LOL. Do the same for your heart – refuel. Keep busy, find a new hobby. How about volunteering at church, with the elderly, a charity, or with kids? Take the focus off him and focus on you. Use this time to allow yourself to work on being the best person you can be who without a doubt is taking the time to live her life to the fullest. You can do it!

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

I have a nice majority of friends. However, I hang out mostly with my cousin. I am a year older; she is 18. With this being said, she has friends that are in her group range and vice versa. All my friends left for college while I stayed my first two years at home to save money. While being full-time at work and school, I still have leisure time. I find myself isolated because my cousin periodically hangs out with her set of friends more. I believe that because they seem to be more on her “level” and I don’t do half of the things they do. All this is fine. I just find myself bored on most occasions because I basically don’t have any friends to hang out with. I don’t think going out by yourself is that much fun and finding real friends these days are like finding money on the street. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

What a fantastic question and I’m so glad you asked. Sweet pea, you are just getting started with life. Your biggest problem should be time, LOL. Believe me when I say, there’s a world full of activities and adventures for you to explore.

Here’s what I’d suggest. If you run, join a running group. Check out the site blackgirlsrun.com. Do you sing? Join a church or community choir. Take a cooking or swimming class. Tennis, maybe? My cousin Eric enjoys graphic design and art, check out comic-con.org. Cause TBT, the question is: what incites your interest? Once you think of something, search that particular group on Facebook. That’s a good start. How about Zumba! Girl, you gotta shake that thaang – show no shame, LOL. Excuse me, I got carried away, back to my Salt & Pepa days.

What I’m saying is: Challenge your comfort zone, expand your horizons. It’s kool to hang out with family and friends, but take some time to explore other hobbies that may interest you as an individual.

Depending on where you live, volunteer at a hospital, or with animals at a local shelter. I know some senior citizens who would love your company. Get out and do something for someone else. There’s more to life than just empty hanging. You’re mission should be to hang out with a purpose. Pour into yourself a hobby or activity that reaps the benefits of attaining a personal goal. Something that engages you and causes you to lose track of time. You’ll meet new friends and a variety of great people who share the same interest.

Get started now, today. Write down every activity you’ve ever dreamed of trying, regardless of location, destination, cost or going at it alone. My advice, young heart – run free, be brave, be bold, you can do it. Side note: I know you’re almost grown, but always tell your parents where you’re going. Before you know it, you’ll have more on your plate than you can chew. Email me back and let me know how it’s going. I can’t wait to hear!

Alma

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

I was married to my wife for 11 years. During that time we had three children, one daughter and two sons. In my opinion, our relationship deteriorated so my wife and I divorced because I had an affair. I have since married that woman and we have two children together, two sons. We are very happy and she’s always had a close relationship with my older children. But understandably, not my wife. My oldest, a daughter is getting married this year. As her father, I am paying for her wedding and very excited to walk her down the aisle. That is until recently when I received an email from her saying she asked her mom to walk her down the aisle. I am very disappointed and am considering not attending. I would like your advice on the matter.

Anonymous

Hmmm, well, first and foremost, it’s her wedding and she has the final word on who should walk her down this aisle. With that being said, my wonder is, did her mother ask her or make her feel guilty into going in that direction? On one hand, you mentioned the affair, upon which I’m sure no one has forgotten, especially since you’re happily married to the other woman. On the other hand, walking her down the aisle – should not be used as a repercussion tool or a “remember you hurt my mama” moment.

My advice is to have a conversation with your daughter. It would be ideal if your first wife (not the second) could be present, but if not, so be it. Tell your daughter you want more than anything to walk her down the aisle. Remind her that being your only daughter is what makes it even more special to you. On that note, look to her mother for support. I wouldn’t take this issue directly to her mom, because it’s not her wedding. Both parents should be willing to walk in the words of the wise and recognize, this isn’t about the past, it’s about the future. Your daughter’s future and what will make her happy.

It looks like you and your new family have moved on, but that’s not the case for all involved. The breakup of a marriage is difficult and divorce with children is traumatic. Evidently, parts of hearts in your first home, haven’t completely healed. Take this left hook on the chin and deal with it. Don’t give up so easily. Once you’ve shared your feelings, all of your feelings, allow your daughter to make her choice.

Yes you should attend the wedding, regardless if you’re in the wedding party. Whatever she decides is what you should abide by. You all will have to live with the decision, just as you did when you divorced. If things don’t go your way, between you and me, pick up your feelings and put them back in your pocket. Prepare to wear your most stylish tux and the biggest smile you can muster. Just as you were mature enough to make a lifelong, difficult decision, based on what was best for you at the time… she will, too.

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

I’ve been married for over 10 years and I’m very happy with my husband and two kids.My husband is very kind to me. My kids are very well behaved and we have a good life. Before I got married I was in love with a man who said he would never get married and he didn’t want any kids. I always hoped that he didn’t mean that and would marry me but he never did. After more than a year and a half, we broke it off and I met my husband and got married. After I got married I would see him from time to time and he stayed in touch with my brother. When he and my brother would go out, he would always ask about me to see how I was doing. Recently my brother told me that he said he should have married me. I know you’re gonna think I’m crazy but I can’t stop thinking about him. I think we need to have a conversation because I have so much I want to say to him. I am trying to figure out my best option. I could email him or reach out on Facebook. I was thinking I could ask him to meet me. How should I contact him in a way that’s the most respectful?

Name withheld

Excuse me, did you say respectful? What exactly is respectful about a married woman trying to reconnect with an ex? Because that’s basically all you’re trying to do. You wanna know how I know – cause I thought the same thing. And when I did, I asked my BFF Neasy about it. Yep, I wanted to contact my old “here he comes, I can’t breathe” high school crush named Poopie. Girl, it was a crush like no other, LOL. Like you, I was happily married, life was good, and all I wanted to do is let him know just how much I truly loved him. I did my best explaining and exasperating my heart and soul to Neasy and you know what she asked me: Why? Yep, just that simple. So now I’m asking you. Why?

What if he misunderstands your actions? Is it worth your marriage, the love of your husband, the happiness of your children? If he wanted to marry you, he would have. Ain’t no truth in shoudda, cudda, wudda.

Stop romanticizing over what you wish could have happen and live in what is happening. What is happening is that you have a loving husband and father to your children. If circumstances were the other way around and your husband wanted to have a conversation with an ex, girl pleez, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. You’d be accusing him of all kinds of disrespect!

Turn your twinkle toes towards what’s real and watch the video, live version of Whitney Houston, “All the Man I Need” and fall back in fabulous love with your husband. My favorite is the one with her in a beautiful red gown, Kirk Whalum’s on the sax. It’s the concert she did for our troops. Girl, rewind it two or three times if you need to.

All the romance and attention you’re looking for is already living inside your home. You just need to breathe new life into it. Let that other man go, that conversation and action of sharing words, just isn’t worth the risk of losing your happy home. I never contacted Poopie and I’m perfectly fine with that decision. Give it some time and you will be, too. If not, go find a BFF you can confide in, who’ll keep you on track named Neasy!

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

My husband was laid off after 16 years on the job. My salary alone wasn’t enough to keep up with the bills, so we decided moving in with my mom was the best thing. She has been having health problems anyway and is in need of care, so this works out for the all of us. My mom was in the hospital a few months back and was talking out of her mind. She told the doctors that I had been mistreating her, which wasn’t true.

During that time her best friend and neighbor visited regularly and knew everything that was going on. I’ve know this woman all of my life. While my mom was in the hospital this friend totally turned on me. I think she was even talking about me to the other neighbors. We had a big falling out about my mom’s care and what was really the truth. It was ugly! Anyway, I say all this to give you some background because she recently died and my mom wants me to cook and help her family out with her funeral. I’m thinking she must be crazy. Remember this woman has been awful to me, about all I can do is write a check. My friend told me about your column so I thought I’d ask your opinion?

T.B. in the Bahamas

Excuse me T.B., while I sip on my blueberry tea. I wanna make sure I’ve got a hold of all that’s happening in your house – oh wait it isn’t, it’s your mama’s home. Now that we’ve established authority, I can understand how difficult it is to find your adult-self and your husband, moving in with your mother. You and I both can agree and recognize, clearly it wasn’t ever a part of the game plan. But let’s not be ungrateful for this blessing, at least ya’ll have somewhere to go, so don’t get it twisted. While I can sympathize with your situation (sip, sip, aaahh) hold up, why are we talking about you and your immature issues when you’re mother just lost her dear friend? Since you asked, I gotta tell you ~ this shouldn’t be about you, it’s all about your mama! Yes, by all means you should help.

This woman and your mom have had a long, loving and valuable friendship over the years. I’m sure, similar to Lucy & Ethel, Florida & Willona, Maaary & Rose, you hear what I’m sayin? These women, although on television, lived as neighbors who took great care of each other. When you saw one, you saw the other. They knew each other’s business and everybody else’s business, too, for that matter, LOL. I too grew up with these friendships beautifully displayed in my old neighborhood. I watched grown women weathering the various storms of life, supporting each other through marriage and children, sometimes divorce, the loss of a child and even widowhood. Can’t you see, your mother is asking this of you because it’s just as if an aunt has died? It’s all the same to her – her best friend was just like family. She loved her and her love for her friend (your play aunt) outweighs anything you can argue, cuss or fuss about. So simmer down, reach for a cup of compassion, your mother is in a very fragile place, bless her heart.

I know I hear you, ya’ll had a fallen out, WHATEVER! Even if your mother was speaking out of her mind, as you say, her friend would only show solidarity towards your mom. That’s just the way it is between friends. Fall off your high horse before I push you off, forgive that woman for the misunderstanding between the two of you, and let it go. Pick up the phone right now and offer your services to her family. You hear me! Put on your mother’s shoes and pearls, and get to stepping. Don’t you sit down and take your shoes off until the memorial, funeral, wake or whatever is over.

Your mom has lived long enough to know you can’t truly love without giving, and the giving doesn’t have anything to do with money. It’s about giving of your time, offering up support that comes from your heart and unconditional care that isn’t measured. When death takes a loved one, there’s no room for discontent or the holding of a grudge. Your mother is looking to see the best rise out of her daughter, stop acting like a child. Mind your manners girl, we both know while she was in her right mind, she taught you better.

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

Ok, I was with a police officer for 10 years. He did some awful things in our relationship. Meaning he cheated on me. A lot of it was through the Internet or through the phone. Meaning he was sexting many other women. Which he considered not cheating. We were living together and I was battling lupus. He said it was because I was sick often and didn’t like to do the things I used to do. Long story short, I found a side phone with over 30 different women in the phone. I was devastated! Here I am battling lupus and he can’t be loyal. I was heartbroken, so I kicked him out and our relationship over. He has tried to be my friend ever since, but I’m so angry that he hurt me. He’s apologized and begged me to forgive him. He wants to be friends and be a part of my life. What’s your take on this?

Name withheld

I’d have to say I’m glad this relationship is over and no, you don’t need him as a friend. Friends don’t deliver hurt and pain; friends show up with tissue and support.

Nobody wants to admit it, but it’s hard to love yourself more than the one you love when they instantly break your heart. Love’s not like a cell phone, you can’t turn it on and off ~ or put it on silent when it’s convenient for the situation. Sounds like you still have feelings for him and if you can’t have him as a lover, you’ll consider allowing him to be your friend. Don’t! You can forgive him, but don’t forget.

My “Ask Alma” super girl powers tell me that you’re beautiful, smart and worthy of someone who will give you his best. You’ve spent enough time allowing Robocop to block your blessings. Unpack your big girl bloomers and let him bounce! Surround yourself with friends and family who love and support you – everybody else has got to go. You’re living with lupus, God bless you! You ain’t got time for no foolishness.

Lupus didn’t give you a choice, but you can chose to have devoted, faithful, compassionate friends and relationships that’ll bring you joy. Don’t be afraid of not having him in your life. He doesn’t hold your happiness in the palm of his hand. Your light of happiness lives inside of you, under your control, 24/07.

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

My mother and I have a decent relationship. She was on drugs when I was growing up, but she’s stopped and is doing fine. She is healthy and able. She lives with me and my kids. She doesn’t pay rent or help with the kids. I’m 36 and she’s 55. When she moved in, I thought it was temporary and wanted to help her get on her feet. Now she says she should be able to stay as long as she wants and not have to pay any bills because she’s my mother. I love my mother and I want the best for her, but I feel guilty that I want her to leave. What should I do?

Unfortunately, there’s some sweet and sour in your “mama drama” soup. The sweet is obvious – your mom was able to quit her habit and the two of you have a good relationship. What a blessing!
The sour is obvious, too – your mama is taking advantage of you. She’s introduced you to the “guilty club” as if it’s a Girl Scouts meeting. Mama’s gotta lotta nerve and knows exactly what she’s doing.
She’s playing on your heartstrings, and it’s time to stop the music.
Tell her, point blank: “Mama, you gotta go. I’ll help you find a place, but you need to leave within the next 90 days.”
This is a tough conversation to have, and I don’t envy you at all, but you’ve got to do it.

Right now you’re enabling her. Do you know what that is? That’s when a well-meaning loved one helps to the point that they strip the other person of all responsibilities and the person become completely reliant upon you.
That’s not what you intended, I know, but that’s how it unfolds.
You’re mom is still a healthy, young woman. She can find her own place and move out of your space. Remind her that you’ll be there when she’s well seasoned and aged, but for right now she’s on her own.
If you feel the need to continue to help her in some way, add her to your cell phone plan and pay the bill. There are many ways to help besides having her live with you.
Don’t feel guilty. You’re doing the right thing – for you and for your mama.

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

I think I know what I’m going to do but I’m curious as to what you think about my situation. My husband and I were married for eight years. We have three boys. We are now divorced. He gets them almost every weekend and is very active in their lives. He has however been behind over the years with his child support payments but last year he paid on time every month. When he filed for his income tax return this year, he was told the money would go towards his back child support payments. He called, explained his situation and asked me if I would give him part of the money. The back child support check will come to me. I have not remarried, so no, I’m not working with a double income. Again, I know what I’m thinking but I’d like to know what do you think I should do?

Name withheld

‪If you’re a super fan of Ask Alma, and I think that you are, you know I’ve got a soft spot when it comes to our fathers. I don’t know if it’s because of the amazing relationship I had with my Dad, my incredible male friends who are fathers, or the fact that I have a remarkable son, who’s a father – there’s no two ways about it, fathers hold a special place in my heart.

‪Specifically, when it comes to your ex, the boys Dad, his actions speak loud and hearty, he’s handling his business. He has buckled his boots and put his best foot forward. Pops has met every payment, on time and that Sweetheart is a blessing. I’m sure at some point, something came up – maybe a flat tire, the need for a new suit or the electric bill was extra high one month ~ and he still came through for his boys. You and I both know as mothers, there’s always a bump in the road, without a doubt Here’s a shout out to the mamas who navigate them every day. Speaking of every day, your quandary reminds me of a quote I recently read from DMX. He said, “Every day, I get closer to God. Every day, my will to do the right thing gets stronger”. In that quote, I see a man who’s trying, just like your ex-husband, to be a better father.

‪I’m not sure of your answer, but my answer is yes, I think you should extend to him a few dollars. The amount ought to be of your choosing, since you do have a firsthand knowledge of what’s needed by the boys. Your ex is finally willing and able, offering to you and his sons, his best. Take the time to appreciate it and him, and return to him a portion of your best. Because of your boys, the end of your marriage doesn’t have to be the end of a respectful relationship. Offer up a cup of compassion and a fist full of forgiveness. Tenderheartedly handle your business mama, and while you’re extending that hand to be a blessing, hold it open just a minute, to receive one as well.

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

I love my wife and we have a great marriage. She’s beautiful, funny, spontaneous and easy to get along with. I can handle her good and her bad except for one thing. She spends like crazy! Her clothes fill up two closets in our home and extends to the basement, depending on the season. She has shoes she’s never worn and clothes that still have the tags on them. At some point we need to save towards our retirement and other obligations. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck to vacation back to paycheck. I’ve talked to her about it and she promised she’d stop her outrageous spending, but lately I’ve found bags of clothes in the guest room closet and the trunk of her car. Obviously, she’s still spending. I can also see the charges that continue to pop up on our credit card statement. I can’t believe she’s trying to hide what she’s buying now. How can I insist that she stop spending short of threatening a divorce? I love my wife and I don’t want a divorce, be we can’t go on this way. Any suggestions?

Name withheld

For the Love of Money ~ you know I’m pattin’ my feet humming the O’Jays, right! It’s helping me get my mind fixed and ready to answer your question, LOL. Some say it’s the root of all evil, money that is, I’m not sure if I agree. I think people are the root of all evil and money is an accessory. What I also know foshow is, couples have a hard time collaborating when it comes to money…. and sex….sex and money, Honey, the more you get the more you want, that’s what a preacher once told me. But I digress, LMBO.

An addiction to spending is a tough place to be. If she’s hiding bags as you say, I see it safe to assume, she’s lost control or she thinks you really don’t mind her spending.

The two of you obviously need to start a household budget. You also need to discuss who will oversee it and how it will be determined. Will you put everything in one account, or will you opt for a mine-yours and ours bundle? There is no right or wrong way to do it. As long as you’re in agreement on what’s best for the two of you. Also agree to allow for spending money and you both have to stay within those allocated funds. That part requires a commitment, a bond of trust that can’t be broken.

It won’t be easy, you two need a serious sit down. Lay all your facts and concerns on the table. This is not a scolding regarding her spending, but a joint discussion about your future. Figure out and be honest where she lands between overspending and compulsion. If she’s a shopaholic, please, seek professional help. If she’s overspending because she thinks you guys have money to burn, it’s time to come up with a financial strategy.

There’s an amazingly thorough money management column, written by Rodney Brooks for USA Today. He also has a book on Amazon titled, Is a Million Dollars Enough? It would benefit you guys to check it out. Again, agree to write down your financial goals and commit to them. I love that you stressed the love you have for your wife. Take a lesson from Rodney and learn new ways and methods, together, on how to manage your money. Good luck!

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

I’m a single mother supporting my three children with no help from my ex-husband. I am thankful to have a great job that I like very much. I referred my BFF’s husband to the company who has since become a regular employee and he is very happy here as well. Once you pass the 90 day probation, the employee who referred you is given a referral bonus. My friend’s husband recently approached me and said boldly in my face that he expects me to split the money with him. Needless to say, I was shocked. My BFF has a full time job and they know it’s just me caring for my kids. I’m not sure how to handle him and maintain our friendship. What should I do?

E.S., Jackson, Miss.

Dear E.S.,

Double-check your forehead. Did you miss seeing “sucker” tattooed between your eyebrows when you washed the sleep from your eyes this morning? LOL. Now, double, double-check the conversations between the two of you, replaying them in your mind’s eye. Did you fist bump on an agreement in advance? You know how it goes when you’re fast talking, excited and all. For example, when discussing the vacancy, did you jokingly say, “If you get hired, I’ll split the bonus with you.” That’s the only reason I can see him expecting a few coins heading his way.

In all honesty, I don’t get the feeling that’s what happened here. You didn’t mention it did, in your very detailed email. Seems to me, you feel like you’re caught between a rock (your BFF) and a hard place (her husband), not wanting to disturb the friendship. That’s kool, I understand. This incident isn’t a reason for this friendship to be shaken. If anything, he’s trying to take advantage of the relationship. Because he is your BFF’s husband, dismiss him. You owe him nothing! Don’t allow him to manipulate and get you all in a tizzy. Stand tall, shoulders straight, pumps pointed forward, ready to deal with him directly. Say it once, you don’t even need to practice. This should come off as sweet as pineapple pie. Repeat after me “I’m not splitting any money with you.” That’s it, don’t ever discuss it again. You don’t owe him a reason, excuse or justification for your response. Nope, nada, nothing. Let me remind you that in this economy, jobs are tough to come by. The best reference anyone can have is an employee, who’s a friend that already works for the company. His act of appreciation should be nothing more than, “Thank you for helping me get a job,” cause that my friend, is priceless.

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.