Alma Gill, Author at The Archive Site for The Baltimore Times

Ask Alma: A tough call

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

I’m friends with my next door neighbor. She’s not my BFF, but we hang from time to time. Her husband is in the military and she doesn’t have family in the area. She and I have a lot in common — we’re around the same age and like the same things. She has a son, and I have a daughter. The kids both go to the same high school. Yesterday my neighbor stopped by to tell me they are moving. Her husband has been transferred to another state. She asked me if I would let her 17-year-old son live with us while he finished his last year of school here in our town. She said they would pay room and board for him. I’m not married, and I’m not sure how it would be with a teen boy in my house. What do you think?

Name withheld

Good googalie woogalie, my Mama use to say. That’s a whole lot of turkey, greens, potatoes and gravy served up on your fine china. Hmmm, let’s ponder, should you try to eat all of it, fork-full by spoon-full or just push yourself away from the table without a bite? Listen to your stomach. Do you have an appetite for this?

Yes, it’s a risky situation, we both would agree. I don’t know this young man, and since you didn’t speak of his personality or character, this leaves me to assume. I’m going with a positive approach, concluding he’s a pretty good kid.

Here’s what I’d suggest, make a list. Yep, write down the pros and cons of this possible yearlong endeavor. Identify every thought that comes to mind — what you expect and what scares you the most. I’d say work on this for more than a couple of days. You need to be prayerfully on your knees for at least a week.

You also have to consider your daughter. This would be life-changing for her as well. All three adults need to sit down at the table hashing out the good, bad and the ugly.

Thoroughly examine what room and board will cover. Obviously rent and utilities, but what about food? Boys his age can eat you out of house and home. This I know for sure. Will he stay with you during the week and go home on the weekends? What about extracurricular activities? Are you responsible for getting him there, or does he have a car? Does he have a girlfriend? Are you friends with him, or does he see you as an authoritative adult? Like I said, we’re talking a full plate here. It could be a sacrifice and or a blessing to all involved.

Taking in this teen doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s only temporary, and he has parents. Many teens who were taken in by outside adults have gone on to do great things. One example is Michael Oher, the professional football player whose story inspired the movie “The Blind Side.” Remember? He was cared for by a family so he could finish high school. If you like this young man and wouldn’t mind him living in your home, tell his parents you’re willing to give it a try for the first semester — that’s three months. If things seem to work out, commit to the next semester. That way, he knows he has to follow the rules and live up to your and his parents’ expectations. This is a huge responsibility, and the answer to the question of “will this work” is up to him.

I salute you, single mama. You must be holding it down. Otherwise, his parents wouldn’t have asked. In the same vain, you are not obligated. If you don’t want to, don’t do it, and don’t feel badly about it. Tell his parents it just wouldn’t work for you and your daughter right now. Best wishes and blessings to you while you pray on your decision, whatever you decide is the right thing to do.

Alma

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.

Ask Alma: My husband holds grudges

(NNPA) — My Husband Holds Grudges

Dear Alma,

My husband cannot let things go – he holds grudges for way longer than the offense is worth. He brings up things that happened months/years ago to remind me of what he says are my faults. It’s not just me; he gives his sister grief for dropping him when he was one and she was three. Aside from pointing out that he’s being ridiculous when he gets going on some old grudge, do you have any suggestions on how I can make him stop?

Name withheld

Dear Nameless One,

News flash: You can’t change another person’s personality. Your husband didn’t start this yesterday. He was doing it before you married him. You heard him during the courtship and thought it wasn’t so bad. You married him anyway, thinking, “Aww, I can handle it.” It wasn’t cute then, and it’s not cute now. So, follow through on the decision you made when you said your vows (for better or worse) and live with it. It’s a part of his personality, and he ain’t gonna change. Nobody’s perfect, and if he’s been doing this with his family, it’s really just a continuation of who he truly is.

Your question should be: How do I live with it? Well, remind yourself of when it didn’t bother you so much early in the relationship. Funny how things switch after many years of marriage. What wuz cute is about to get on your last nerve. All of you longtime married folks know what I’m talking about. LOL. Anyway, back to my suggestion: When he gets going, leave him in his space. Meditate on things about him that make you happy. I’m sure he has many other qualities that you admire. That’s why he’s your husband. I can understand if this isn’t the answer you were looking for, but it will keep you guys united as one for many years to come. Your or my answer can’t change your husband. That Sweetie is an act only he can control.

Alma

Operating on a Tight Budget

Dear Alma,

My husband was laid off and I’m only working part time, so we’re having a hard time paying our bills and making ends meet. We hardly have enough money to pay the rent, and every day we worry about how we can make it. When my grandmother died, she left me some of her valuables – a beautiful ornate mirror, fine china and some jewelry. My husband told me to sell some of the jewelry so that we could get some money. I don’t want to do that, but I know we need to pay our bills. What do you think?

Name withheld

Awww, sweetie, I’m sorry. I know this is a difficult time for you and your husband. You didn’t mention any kids, so I assume it’s just the two of you. I think you guys should exhaust all of your resources and make selling your grandmother’s heirlooms the very last (about to be evicted) resort. Once it’s gone, you can’t get it back. The decision to sell something so precious should be your individual decision, not a joint one. She was your grandmother, so you have a ton of love invested in her memory. It’s really not his place to suggest you cut those ties that bind.

I’m sure, given the right amount of thought and sacrifice, you two can come up with other options. I’d suggest, if you haven’t already, putting yourselves on a super-duper strict budget. I’m talking about the oatmeal, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, roman noodles every night budget! Vegetables will become a luxury and replace your meat options. You should also take a look at what I call your “side bills” and see what you can live without. Side bills are things like cable, wi-fi, cell phones and gym memberships. Cut back on gas, which can be expensive. Try walking places or taking the bus. Maybe you can work full-time until your husband finds a job.

Keep your head up. Things will get better; it won’t be like this forever.

Alma

Ask Alma: My brother’s non-breakup breakup

(NNPA) — Dear Alma,

My brother and his fiancée broke off their engagement, which was a surprise to my whole family. Nobody totally knows the story, but she moved out of his house, unfriended him on Facebook, the whole shebang. Over the holidays, we all got together, and everyone started trashing the girl. My brother got really awkward and left, saying he didn’t feel up for hanging out.

Fine, right? Except I just found out he and his girlfriend have still been talking, and they haven’t told the rest of my family yet. The problem is, my family’s still badmouthing this girl at every opportunity, but it’s starting to look like they might get back together. My brother doesn’t want me to say anything, so how can I tell my family to cool it without spilling the beans?

Name withheld

Dear Name Withheld,

Your brother asked you not to say anything because this is his issue, not yours. He knows the hardest part of this debacle is going back to family members, face-to-face, asking for grace. Not for himself, because as a family member, he understands he gets a pass. It’s the outsider, his unrelated other half he’s pleading a case for. Yep, the one that hurt him. The one that everybody knows, or at least think they know, hurt him.

Indulge me for a minute. This takes me back to a time when I was bad-mouthing my first husband. My Mama was like, ahhh, no, rule #1: What happens in your house, stays in your house, I don’t wanna hear it. I was like whaaat? Really?? You gotta be kidding me. Then she said to me, keep it to yourself until it’s over. You’ll be back on his pillow in the morning and I’ll still be sipping on a glass of wanna kick a – well, you know what I’m sayin, LOL. I was ticked at first, but over time, I totally understood where she was coming from. I stand firm to that same rule with my family members to this day. Some relationships are like beach water, back and forth. One minute they’re breaking up, no making up – throw your hands up – who really knows for sure?

Nonetheless, it happens, this isn’t that unusual at all. So here’s my suggestion of what you can do to help. Like an All-Pro left tackle, safeguard your brother. When the family’s on the sideline having a field day, rooting against his fiancé, you say, “She’s not all bad” (bob ‘n weave, here come the side-eye, LOL). Follow up with “I like her and I hope they get back together.” Whaaaat, you just scored a touchdown! I betcha over time, this, my friend, will set your brother up for win-win. Remind him to take it slow, your Mama’s still sipping on her glass of – you know. Just make sure your bro knows you’ve got his back. That’s the best way you can help him right now. If he and his fi’ decide to weather this storm and get married, Mr. & Mrs. must, under any and all situations, stick to, adhere, follow and abide by rule #1.

Alma

Ask Alma

A Christian with a Short Memory

Dear Alma,

I have a friend who is the ultimate Christian. Since she’s been “saved,” she has been more judgmental of others, as if she doesn’t have a past. Back in the day, she was the one who experimented with drugs, clubs, partying, etc. Now she looks down on others who may be going through the same thing. At times, I hate talking with her. How can I make her see that what she’s doing is no different than what those she is complaining about are doing?

Annapolis, Md.

Dear Friend from Annapolis,

Your question is an interesting one, not because it’s the first time I’ve heard of this happening, but it’s the first time I’ve addressed this topic.

My advice column is open and accepting. I can relate to and will discuss anything — love, hate, sex, work, family, you name it. Religion, however, is one subject that I try to shy away from. My father was a minister for almost 40 years, so I see this question as somewhat of a test. LOL. I’ve prayed and pondered my response, taking into consideration that believers and nonbelievers both read my weekly column.

I found myself gravitating to a book my friend Nia loaned me, a book titled Grace Happens Here by Max Lucado. His book details how God’s grace is not purchased or earned by faith acts or good works. Believing in God doesn’t require that we live our lives without making mistakes or wrong decisions. It doesn’t mean we never think, speak or react negatively or inappropriately. Believing in God means that one has accepted Him as savior, our many faults notwithstanding. It means accepting His “grace.”

Grace is one of God’s greatest offers and ideas. When we are demonstrating the worst of ourselves, God — with our permission — begins to turn us around. In this transformation, some folks find it necessary to point out every flaw, negative behavior or bad habit in others. I often wonder why, as humans, we find it easier to correct others than to make corrections within ourselves. But that’s another story for another time.

There’s nothing you can say to your friend right now. She has recently been saved, and so are you, so “save” your “oh-no-you-didn’t” comments for another time. Fold and put them away in your “help-me-Lord” drawer.

In these early stages of salvation, since your friend is listening only to God, I’d suggest you pray to Him. Pray that God will help her consume the peace and grace that she will read about in her Bible. The scriptures that say we should be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God forgives us.

Be the example and offer her the grace that you seek. I have read and believe that we will never be asked to offer anyone more than what God has already poured deep down inside of us. Here’s a reminder of something much easier preached, then lived: When in doubt, discouraged, overwhelmed or simply pissed off, seek first not to offend or correct –but – to be a blessing.