Ask Alma: I didn’t arrest my cop friend’s attention


— Dear Alma,

Ok, I was with a police officer for 10 years. He did some awful things in our relationship. Meaning he cheated on me. A lot of it was through the Internet or through the phone. Meaning he was sexting many other women. Which he considered not cheating. We were living together and I was battling lupus. He said it was because I was sick often and didn’t like to do the things I used to do. Long story short, I found a side phone with over 30 different women in the phone. I was devastated! Here I am battling lupus and he can’t be loyal. I was heartbroken, so I kicked him out and our relationship over. He has tried to be my friend ever since, but I’m so angry that he hurt me. He’s apologized and begged me to forgive him. He wants to be friends and be a part of my life. What’s your take on this?

Name withheld

I’d have to say I’m glad this relationship is over and no, you don’t need him as a friend. Friends don’t deliver hurt and pain; friends show up with tissue and support.

Nobody wants to admit it, but it’s hard to love yourself more than the one you love when they instantly break your heart. Love’s not like a cell phone, you can’t turn it on and off ~ or put it on silent when it’s convenient for the situation. Sounds like you still have feelings for him and if you can’t have him as a lover, you’ll consider allowing him to be your friend. Don’t! You can forgive him, but don’t forget.

My “Ask Alma” super girl powers tell me that you’re beautiful, smart and worthy of someone who will give you his best. You’ve spent enough time allowing Robocop to block your blessings. Unpack your big girl bloomers and let him bounce! Surround yourself with friends and family who love and support you – everybody else has got to go. You’re living with lupus, God bless you! You ain’t got time for no foolishness.

Lupus didn’t give you a choice, but you can chose to have devoted, faithful, compassionate friends and relationships that’ll bring you joy. Don’t be afraid of not having him in your life. He doesn’t hold your happiness in the palm of his hand. Your light of happiness lives inside of you, under your control, 24/07.


Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma