Ask Alma: The one that got away


Dear Alma,

I’ve been married for over 10 years and I’m very happy with my husband and two kids.My husband is very kind to me. My kids are very well behaved and we have a good life. Before I got married I was in love with a man who said he would never get married and he didn’t want any kids. I always hoped that he didn’t mean that and would marry me but he never did. After more than a year and a half, we broke it off and I met my husband and got married. After I got married I would see him from time to time and he stayed in touch with my brother. When he and my brother would go out, he would always ask about me to see how I was doing. Recently my brother told me that he said he should have married me. I know you’re gonna think I’m crazy but I can’t stop thinking about him. I think we need to have a conversation because I have so much I want to say to him. I am trying to figure out my best option. I could email him or reach out on Facebook. I was thinking I could ask him to meet me. How should I contact him in a way that’s the most respectful?

Name withheld

Excuse me, did you say respectful? What exactly is respectful about a married woman trying to reconnect with an ex? Because that’s basically all you’re trying to do. You wanna know how I know – cause I thought the same thing. And when I did, I asked my BFF Neasy about it. Yep, I wanted to contact my old “here he comes, I can’t breathe” high school crush named Poopie. Girl, it was a crush like no other, LOL. Like you, I was happily married, life was good, and all I wanted to do is let him know just how much I truly loved him. I did my best explaining and exasperating my heart and soul to Neasy and you know what she asked me: Why? Yep, just that simple. So now I’m asking you. Why?

What if he misunderstands your actions? Is it worth your marriage, the love of your husband, the happiness of your children? If he wanted to marry you, he would have. Ain’t no truth in shoudda, cudda, wudda.

Stop romanticizing over what you wish could have happen and live in what is happening. What is happening is that you have a loving husband and father to your children. If circumstances were the other way around and your husband wanted to have a conversation with an ex, girl pleez, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. You’d be accusing him of all kinds of disrespect!

Turn your twinkle toes towards what’s real and watch the video, live version of Whitney Houston, “All the Man I Need” and fall back in fabulous love with your husband. My favorite is the one with her in a beautiful red gown, Kirk Whalum’s on the sax. It’s the concert she did for our troops. Girl, rewind it two or three times if you need to.

All the romance and attention you’re looking for is already living inside your home. You just need to breathe new life into it. Let that other man go, that conversation and action of sharing words, just isn’t worth the risk of losing your happy home. I never contacted Poopie and I’m perfectly fine with that decision. Give it some time and you will be, too. If not, go find a BFF you can confide in, who’ll keep you on track named Neasy!


Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma