Author: Mary Jo

School has already begun for most children, while for others school won’t start for a few more weeks. Perhaps over the summer, your child got together with their friends on Facebook instead of face-to-face. Your child may have 1000 Facebook friends, but no real friends.

However with the new school year, your child will need some friends to talk to, spend time with, share sleepovers and growing-up drama.

You may feel at a loss as to helping your child. You don’t want to be that helicopter over-protective parent, yet you doubt your child’s ability to make face-to-face friends. The more they engage on Facebook or other social media outlets, the more awkward they become with face-to-face friends. It isn’t healthy for your child to have only virtual friends. They don’t live in a virtual world. They have to go to a real school, get a real job and interact with real people. Your child is at a disadvantage if they don’t know how to interact and make friendships.

How can you help and support your kids to find friends without hovering or getting in their way of making friends on their own? Here are suggestions for parents who don’t want to hinder or hover, but do want their child to have lasting friendships:

1. Have reasonable expectations about your child’s social skills. As school begins, encourage them to invite one or two kids over for pizza.
2. Make it a point to meet the parents of your child’s friends.
3. Encourage friendships over popularity. Discouraging kids from manipulative friends is one thing, but insisting they only make friends with the popular kids sends the wrong message.
4. Best friends share interests. If your child has a friend who shares their interests, suggest an outing they could invite a friend to attend.
5. Only get involved in a friendship dilemma if your child asks for help.
6. Separate your friendship needs from your child’s, and don’t assume they feel as you would.
7. If your child is a loner and seems depressed, don’t hesitate to get professional guidance. Loners are more likely to get bullied and feel misunderstood. Their self-esteem is fragile and that is one of the reasons kids need friends.

They build each other up and help each other feel good about themselves.

Friendships are important for kids because they help the child feel supported and good about themselves.

Social media is a wonderful way to connect with long-distance friends, but virtual friends cannot replace the face-to-face communication friends share. Activities kids do with their friends is important in establishing a strong foundation of what healthy relationships look and feel like. Your self-esteem, confidence and attitude toward adult friends are established in childhood. Parents should encourage their children’s friendships without directing them.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of “Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever.” For more information about Rapini, visit: www.maryjorapini.com.

No matter where you are, if little ones are around, it won’t take long before you’ll hear “You’re so smart,” “You’re so pretty,” as well as, “You’re the best on the team.”

It’s normal to think your child is brilliant, better looking and more capable than anyone’s child you know; however, that attitude taken to extreme might be moving us toward creating a society of kids who feel entitled.

Surveys from freshman classes show that kids work less in college than they did 10 years ago, and they think more highly of themselves. The majority of freshman college students score high on narcissism. What did we expect? These kids have been raised by parents who praised their every move. With that praise, they have instilled an attitude of entitlement. Kids actually believe they deserve a high paying job, a beautiful home and exotic trips. When you talk to them in depth, and ask them how they plan to acquire these privileges, they have no plan other than knowing their parents had it, so they will too.

The sad part is, they won’t. In fact, they cannot because they have not suffered consequences of not being good at something. Their weaknesses have been overlooked or brushed aside in an attempt to build their confidence with praise.

Praise doesn’t build confidence; in fact, too much praise makes a child less motivated to take risks and try new things. If you continually tell a child how well they spell, they expect and are motivated to get more praise for spelling. Forget the other subjects, or sports, because they get praised for spelling well. This narrows the child’s world and they don’t branch out or build confidence by trying new things and failing at some.

A much wiser approach is something we call “process praise.” Process praise means you begin to notice and comment on the strategy the child used to figure something out. You focus less on natural talents and more on effort. You teach them that the brain, just like their other muscles, can grow, which helps the child understand that the more effort they make, the more success they will likely see. This helps children understand that challenges are good, and the brain can learn new ways of doing things.

Here are three suggestions for starting a plan of process praise:

*Don’t praise as much as you may have in the past. When you do praise, begin with praising effort or attempts at trying new things. Telling a child you like the way they tried something new is going to be more helpful to them than praising them for something at which they are already good.

*Praise their strategy, or thinking. “Wow, you really had to use your out-of-the box thinking to come up with that plan.”

*Never lie to them or tell them they are good at something they are not. Kids know the truth. If you say it’s a good job and it isn’t, they will stop trusting you or believing you.

Kids get discouraged and when parents give blanket praise such as “You’re so smart” or “You’re such a good pitcher,” kids begin to think this is what they are, or do. A child can be compassionate, smart, musical, and so much more. When parents teach kids to accept challenges, try new things and risk not being the best, they challenge them to grow and exercise their brain. In a world of entitlement and everyone being a winner, we’ve gone too far. Everyone has natural talents and weaknesses. The key is to help a child feel confident enough in their strengths to risk appearing weak in areas that need more strengthening.

Let’s bring back good old-fashioned effort and teach our kids the value of working toward their dreams.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist. For more information about Mary Jo Rapini, visit: www.maryjorapini.com.

When my first daughter was six and my youngest was two, I came to a realization that helped me parent in a much different fashion. You see, I’ve always been a neat freak and I prefer structure and order in my home. Beds made, no dust, and I’m happy. No one told me I couldn’t have that and kids too, but it wasn’t long before I realized I would stress myself into a heart attack if I continued.

When you have kids, you should actually think of living in a barn because kids are hoarders; they’re messy; they spill anything they carry; and they are curious and forgetful. They don’t close doors, clean up toys, worry about mud, clean up art supplies or Cheerios. And, unless you pacify them with electronic gadgets (which don’t stimulate their creative ingenuity as well as hands on manipulating things), your home will be full of rocks, leaves, sand and bugs.

Every parent I know who has a teenager or college-bound child reminisces about what they would do differently if they had a baby or small children now. Many of the things they say are enlightening and helpful when you are sure you’re losing your mind with the little ones. I have come up with a list of ten things for parents to consider for 2015 as they continue raising their children.

I’ve found that hindsight gives you great insight, and if you hang in there a few more months, what drives you mad now will be gone with the next thing your child finds interesting. So, stay curious and take naps.

1. Play with your child every chance you get. Instead of putting them in front of the TV or iPad, get down on the floor and play with them. Your child’s brain is developing at a speed you cannot understand. Every opportunity to play is an opportunity for your child to connect with you and their environment.
2. Work on your relationship with your spouse or partner. Your child will be far better off if you keep your marriage intimate and close. They need your marriage more than they need you 24/7. Dads give children something moms cannot, and visa versa.
3. Power nap with your child. Instead of thinking about all the things you can get done at naptime, lay down and nap. Your power nap will give you more energy and clearer thinking, and both of those will benefit your child more than cleaning.
4. Forget the electronics until your child is in kindergarten. Coloring, gluing, and cutting are much more important for your child’s motor and cognitive development than an electronic alphabet game. Being able to create new ideas with art supplies and blocks is not only a way for them to develop motor skills, but it also builds confidence and cognitive skills.
5. Go to the park any and all chances you get. Being outside and running, swinging, jumping, and observing is everything to your child. You playing with them helps them grow closer to you and the wonder of all they see. Talking on the phone or distracting yourself with work is not worth it when you are at the park with your child. Take the time…and be there.
6. Make lunches and cook with your child. Yes, it will be a mess, and yes, you will have to clean it up, but children who touch food and learn to make healthy food choices are also at an advantage as they grow older and become more independent.
7. Quit stressing over what is normal for your child. Kids grow at different rates and no two children are at the same height and weight at the same time. Relax. Use your intuition and parent sense to help guide you.
8. Your child is not going to go to prison because they won’t share their toys. New parents make mountains out of molehills, and if their child is more stubborn or temperamental, they make the issue worse than it is. Staying structured with rules and following through with discipline is important, but don’t stress over the little stuff.
9. Hug your child EVERY chance you get. Someday you will miss when they no longer want you to carry them, and they will grow out of wanting to sit in your lap during story time.
10. Never parent with guilt. Sometimes you have to be firm and that means teaching your child there are consequences for their actions. But, yelling or screaming at your child should never be done, and they are very forgiving; so always apologize.

No one tells us how to parent, and kids don’t come with an instruction manual. So, it is wisdom of hindsight that helps new parents feel comforted during the rough times— and there will be rough times. Kids get sick, they don’t sleep, they like bugs and messes and spill water, milk and anything liquid. Love them anyway.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist. For more information about Rapini, visit: www.maryjorapini.com.

Summer is officially here, and for many parents and kids that means summer camp. Many of us grew up with wonderful memories of summer-filled days at camp. Songs by the campfire, canoe races and a sundry of other events and new friends fill our minds with good memories. Today, sending your child to camp involves an understudy of camping knowledge and skill. There is an every expanding list of possible camps; general camps and ones that can help enhance any weakness your child may need help strengthening. It doesn’t matter if your child is going to a baseball camp, math camp, science camp or a basketball camp, they all have a long list of what kids should and shouldn’t bring. A shorter list is available of dos and don’ts for parents.

Most camps are meant for kids, not for their parents. However, if you are a first timer sending your child away to a summer camp, you will note a heightened sense of anxiety. How do you know if your child will be okay? Are you sure this camp will address their individual needs? What if there is an emergency? All sorts of possible crises run through your mind. There are always things that can happen, but most of them can also happen almost every day of your child’s life— with or without camp. Your heightened sense of anxiety may, however, affect you and turn you into a model parent for what NOT to do when your child is at camp.

Below are a few of the dos and don’ts for being the type of camp parent your child won’t be embarrassed to travel home with:

1. Let go and let your child learn new experiences with trained counselors. Your child has an opportunity to return from camp feeling accomplished and more self-assured. You can help facilitate this by reassuring your child before they leave for camp and reminding them of other times they felt unsure or insecure and did wonderfully. Also, reassure them you will be there if they need you. Parents who cannot let go and allow the camp counselors to teach their children new skills and offer them opportunities stifle their child’s emotional growth.
2. Communicate with them as appropriate. Camps have rules about ways and how much to communicate with the camper. Parents who follow these rules and make sure their child has the appropriate communication are sending their child the message that they trust them and have confidence in them. Parents, who try to over communicate, or indulge their child with gifts throughout the week, send their child the message that they are not like the other kids and need more attention. This prevents the child from bonding with the other campers and learning to self soothe when they feel stress or homesick. Camp counselors are instructed on healthy ways to de-stress children. Allow your children the opportunity to learn these and more healthy tips.
3. Having your child away at camp can also be a relationship retreat for you and your spouse. Take advantage of being a couple again and enjoying late dinners or evenings spent out. When your child comes home full of new experiences to talk about, you will both be eager to listen. Your relationship will be stronger and closer. Don’t spend the camp week or month feeling anxious and alone without your child. A camp is an opportunity for both the child and the parents to grow.

My daughters both went to camp and would come home with stories to tell and memories they still smile and talk about. The experience has them humming a tune they learned long ago. It was also a wonderful week for their dad and me. We were able to be a couple again, which restored and helped our marriage. Summer camps are part of a child’s history and one they will pass on to their children. Ensuring your child has a wonderful experience begins with embracing the camp, following the rules and trusting your child’s ability—as well as yours— to let go and thrive.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.